- ~ Fuck this dream in it’s entirety.
the layout of this dream is in a modified version of our chosen family’s townhouse. starting in the basement there’s my room which is decently large and then goes back into a large closet capable of enough space for storage and being able to sit on the floor to sort magic cards. I think even a small bed. facing the door to my room my bed would be behind me facing right with the head area to my left against the shared wall with the massive closet/2nd room thing. the door to the closet to my left, my computer and main desk area to my right. going out into the hallway there is a bathroom in front across the hall then a 2nd room directly left at the end. if you go left facing the door then turn right is the stairway. up the stairs 1 flight is the front door then coming in from there straight pass the stairs is the living room and 2nd hallway which goes to another bathroom and I think an office and 2 bedrooms or something like that. kitchen somewhere there too.
so the dream starts with me waking up in my bed. I sit up and look over to my computer as I’m still waking up but notice its a mess. getting up and going over finally noticing whats wrong as my vision improves. my primary monitor is on the floor to the left with cords dangling while the 2nd monitor is face down on the desk. the 3rd monitor for work was busted. all my desk items were scattered around with the keyboard and mouse missing. my emotions peak while my senses kick in from a short burst of adrenaline and I’m super pissed. my first instinct was to think back to last night which I remembered our actual last night irl. nothing really corroborated this breaking so I moved onto someone came in and did this. we had no friends over so I yelled at my friends to get in here. they come down and ask wtf happened. I quickly dismiss any suspicion of them as I hoped non of them were at fault anyway. I said I certainly didn’t do this so wtf happened. then what actually happened hit them.
I was told someone stopped by last night, while somehow just I was out of the house, claiming to be a family member of mine so he was let in. they were telling me how this person claimed whatever and wanted to personally drop off a package for me. as this was said I noticed amongst the mess a little neat pile. there was a folder paper on top a book with a 3rd item I can’t remember. taking the letter and reading it; the entire thing was insanely transphobic, using my deadname and dead pronouns every chance it got. it masculinized me heavily and recalled the good old days of previous me. this person claimed to be in the family but was a cousin of mine. they were stating false information about what trans is and how I was a pedophile, regurgitating what things like Fox News says. then saying I shouldn’t be allowed happiness but death was too good cause I must be punished here first before I go to hell.
throughout reading this I stopped multiple times as I was a sobbing mess that couldn’t read through my tears. Darek asked if I was ok and if he could read it but I said its fine if I do, just need time. we get done with the letter to then move to the book, it was a book on common sense. I started balling my eyes out again at the connection to the letter it had. this was a personal attack against me from a deranged lunatic, I wasn’t going to take anything said to heart but it hurt to be told it and have my shit broken. zeke and alyssa were stopping by that day too to help move stuff and organize our house, have like a family day together. they arrived while darek, christian, and I were in my room. so everyone except me went upstairs to handle that plan instead, trying to give me space to cry.
I didn’t need to just cry, a family member of mine just attacked me and I took it on behalf of the family as they have similar values. I need support, I needed my chosen family to be there for me actively, comfort. moving about my room more I find that not only was the computer broken but my magic collection and organization was kicked around, cards bent and trashed. this was another trigger to cry deeply and spill my soul. got on the floor to try in hopes to recover or make sense of it but it didn’t work. scooping the cards up I put them on the bed in there. deciding I was going to force myself to relax and feel better, I went to get my comfort items then go sit upstairs and cry but while my friends were socializing so I felt safer.
this was also a mistake. in 2 short waves I discovered that first my fidget cubes were missing and I badly needed it, I felt like there was nothing that could help me in that way. realizing I had no way to stim how I needed I cried deeply again. next was my blanket, it was still here so I latched onto it and poured tears into it only to discover it smelt of piss and beer. this was the close to last time I cried deeply. the last time was the observation that despite all my chosen family being present knowing I’m in deep pain and presently traumatized they cast their focus elsewhere. I didn’t put fault or blame on them but it hit a core trauma of mine, feeling abandoned or betrayed. I woke up and cried deeply the final time.