It’s been about a month since I’ve added to the blog.
There has been a LOT of moving around and things to update on.
- I’m in a new apartment
- New hobbies I’m trying to focus on
- Tons of new interesting dreams
- Lots of ways I wanna improve and things to learn
- I’m getting back into the Occult
Every two weeks I’m still seeing my therapist and every month seeing my psychiatrist. My meds and everything have been working out really well for me, so far. The only problem at the moment is my dreams, as they’re grotesque and horrid, absolutely filled with gore and violence, disturbing imagery. I don’t mind the subjects and imagery but my therapist is worried that it’s affecting me. My psychiatrist also worries but I’m at a good spot where I can just say when I’m wanting to take solutions.
One of my dreams involved exploring an ancient sci fi temple. An eldritch god appeared and said it would unleash three of it’s emissaries on me to test me with how I do stabilizing myself between reality distortion and the mundane living.
My interest in the Occult has sparked up after getting a statue of Loki at a metaphysical shop we found in St. Paul. I’m trying to work on my altar, dedicating it a lot more, having a space for all my stuff. I’m going to the Oddities and Curiosities expo this weekend to hopefully pick some stuff up. I invited Astra who said they appreciate the invite but would be uncomfortable going as they wouldn’t have the support of their wife, who would be out of country. Another thing that has sparked my interest in the Occult lately was delving more into learning about Lilith. I was unaware that she is the first woman, first wife of Adam, who left cause Adam was a dick and not treating her as an equal, wanted her beneath him.
This new apartment has been fucking fantastic. Moving into it over the course of a month has been helping everyones traumas though not so much the anxiety. We all wanna be done with the move and have all our stuff in one spot. Last Sunday we moved the furniture with the help of some fantastic friends. I’m loving my new room setup. It’s my comfortable and safe space that I have full control over. It’s super comfy cozy with lots of room. I’ve been feeling a lot more calm, at peace, better rest and sleep, feeling generally cleaner and actually relaxed from this new shower. This nice reset of where everything goes and how, the smells, general environment, it’s nice for my tism. ALSO things just work. Sink and hot water? works. Toilet flushes. WE HAVE WORKING AC. The place doesn’t smell musty and fuckin horrid constantly. There aren’t any bugs. WE HAVE WINDOWS AND NO GODS DAMNED SLANTED CEILINGS. I can actually place things against the wall and expect to have space. Holy shit.
Levi has also been feeling better, more than was communicated and more than I expected. They’ve taken up gardening with 4 herbs as a new hobby. They’re even getting into a work out routine with our community gym in the lobby. They’re waking up earlier and feeling better about going to work, having more energy, more at peace, calmer, their mental state is more organized and wanting to maintain the nice space. They’re doing a lot better and I’m super happy about it. It’s definitely taken a lot of weight of my shoulders for trying to help them out.
There are many projects I wanna work on, and new hobbies I want to get to. Many mini side projects too. Homelabbing is something I want to give a good go at. Though I’m falling into the trap of GAS or Gear Acquisition Syndrome, where I feel the need to drop money on expensive and nice equipment rather than use what I already have and before any skills have developed. I have lists and researched software, tools, apps, hardware, configs, all the stuffs for how I’d wanna setup my perfect homelab to run my servers, self-hosted services, cloud storage, NAS, etc. Meanwhile, I have a secondary nice computer than I can run all that on. I also have this strange desire to buy a solar panel, set it up in my window, then run it into a Jackery unit that’s delivering it’s power taken from the solar cells and wall into my PC. That way my PC doesn’t eat up our electricity and money while running idle, AND in the case of any electrical shit it wont even come close to my PC being damaged with it’s expensive parts. I could even run the home-lab on the Jackery and solar panel and be 100% perfectly good.
My therapist a bit ago wanted me to focus on my principals and values. She wants me to make a list and find ways that I can come closer to living them fully rather than trying to compensate for everyone else. Some of that is delving into Varku and finding more of what I am at my core. I already have a good start on a list of values that Varku has and how I might be able to reflect those in my expression. Such as anti-consumerism. After we wrap up this move, I wanna go through all my possessions and decide if I really need them or not, then to either sell them at work or donate them. I know I can easily make some hundreds of dollars back, possibly a thousand or so. I wanna consume less in general, I want to stop buying dumb useless shit or impulse buys that aren’t fully thought through. As a start to my values.
Lately, I’ve wished that I could be made immortal so I don’t have to worry about time. That way I can really focus on improving myself, learning everything I can in a more broken down methodical manner than hastily going through shit and scraping it for the best info. I feel like I’m having serious deja vu while writing this. I’d love to be able to focus on learning everything, trying everything, exploring this planet and really trying to work on myself without time being a problem. In a video I watched recently, I think it was mentioned similar to the vein of why would a God or naturally immortal being care about bettering themself when they essentially have eternity to live. Why do they care what happens to humans? humans are nothing but a small stain on their entire lifetime. There isn’t really a driving factor similar to mortal beings to make the most of your life. I think for mortals who are bestowed immortal there is a uniqueness to them unlike a lot of other things. A new perspective, a mix of perspectives all rolled into one.