There have been three dreams recently which have sent me spiraling to the edge of my reality.
- I scout out assisted living facilities to see which may be a best fit for my care. The dream featured a tour a nurse gave me.
- I had just moved into an assisted living campus and was exploring around. There were many girls and transfems who were all struggling with mental health. In that, we shared an instant bond and understanding that just to glimpse another there meant they were struggling. Instant empathy and compassion went towards them, and a desire to understand, a curiosity to get to know their shit.
- This would be day two or three of my time in the assisted living campus. I got more familiar with it, it’s staff and residents, the walls that kept us inside, the systems which let us be safe and cared for.
This would have been day 2 or 3 of my time there. previous dreams covered before, and day 1. I was new, having just got admitted, and my personality demanded I know the ins and outs of this new living. so I explored. I explored without care, I met new friends who had an innate understanding of why I was there. I explored the grounds of the campus, walked the tree line to the main gate at the end of the road, walked the residential area familiarizing myself already with those who awoke early in the morning to have their peace with one another over small breakfast. I began to know the cycle, the breath, the routine of this new life. for in the walled grounds, we were not held to societal standards. we needed no job, no responsibilities of living. Only the desire to improve and get better was needed. we had classes, therapy and psychiatry sessions, we learned the arts and activities, STEM fields. all to occupy our time and mental space while the doctors took care of us. this was an assisted living campus for those unfit for society by some mental disability or otherwise. we would be staying there a long time. my stuff was moved to my room by staff while I explored. Day 3 while I was still waking up I heard staff come by for their check in. they would do check ins to make sure we were ok, took our meds, and generally check in on how we’re doing. but besides that, my room was like any other bedroom. I had my same bed tucked in the corner, my desk and computer in the other. my various collectibles and trinkets scattered through various small drawers and boxes. my room was a mess, so after the check in I decided I would skip my health classes for the day and focus on unpacking. this was allowed. we were allowed to skip classes as long as staff knew what we were doing instead, they didn’t have to entirely approve of our plans. sometimes they had veto power. As I unpacked memories came to me of the past with each item I pulled out. memories of a life I never lived. I started tearing up but also having this intense energy to decorate my room perfectly. a living altar and idol to myself, the bedroom is not but a temple of the self.
one day I was in the kitchen of my building in the bright early morning. two others would share the kitchen with me during that time. I went through all the cabinets and cupboards to familiarize myself with where everything was. after that, I got a cup and filled it with water then sat down to watch as the other girls and transfems would trickle through the kitchen, rubbing sleep from their eyes. we weren’t allowed to have snacks or generally food in our rooms. this would force us into social situations and going to the kitchen so we’d all at least know we were ok. drinks could be in our rooms tho. they didn’t want us secluding ourselves, isolating, for more than a few days. staff would still check on us regularly if we did. through these few days, I’ve felt a sense of security, my days were open to anything I wanted to do. my main purpose there was to better myself without restraint, and with support. it felt liberating. I could meet new people who were like me, I had the campus grounds to explore, felt like a new chapter of my life was opening and that I’d be ok. but again, this was assisted living for long term treatments, I wouldn’t be leaving just cause I felt better.