Something quite important that I remembered when thinking about “my deepest traumas” I’d tell my friends is that I fear reality falling apart. There have been many many dreams in which reality has fallen apart in various ways, distorted and twisted in on itself, lost meaning and no longer had objective grounds. A major loss of control, the anxiety of not knowing what was going on, fear that I was the only one this was happening to, the loss of my entire life in such a massive way. Not just losing someone, losing my job, or all my things being lost, but an entire clean slate of my knowledge of how reality works along with the loss of everything. How am I supposed to cope that I’m no longer functioning to any decent capacity so suddenly?
The dreams have often been mundane moments of living life and then suddenly it falls away, while others are some fantastical journey before that falls away into no cohesion. One of the dreams I had was while I was at the Activision offices just doing my job until it was made clear something was happening outside. Dream logic wise, I felt the need to prepare and defend myself, to combat any threats, so I summoned my sword. Upon stepping outside I was met with all of Earth blown away into fragmented shards of floating ground, somehow gravity was still present and functioning. I turn around and the office was now missing. My life was stripped away just like that, now having to face the new reality that seemingly had no rules or boundaries. Needing to figure out how to traverse that landscape, its evils and threats, redefine my purpose in being there. It is an utterly devastating and almost indescribable feeling. Even while typing this I’m having a very hard time conceptualizing the terror into words.
Realizing this is such a massive wall that I’m now facing, I see that it will help me cope and learn, but also that there is now a reason why I fear it and that’s it’s engrained into my identity. It’s also not just a fear left to dreams but because StPD can lead into Schizophrenia the loss and twisting of my perception of reality is all the more real. Even if it doesn’t lead to Schizophrenia I am still at risk of Psychosis. This is my current issue I face in processing that I have StPD. With that, the more specific part I’m stuck on is triggers. What triggers exactly do I have that can lead me into psychosis? What should I try and avoid or will it just happen on its own? I’m not diagnosed but I think it wise I should seek out a diagnosis so that I can get antipsychotics. I’m scared, I’m terrified.
A couple months ago I had to deal with my CPTSD being triggered by some complicated chosen family matters that happened alongside almost losing my partner. In that, my world felt shattered but I was still ok, I could continue on but alone and in pain. I had no clue those triggers were that bad even though I would say they were problems I had. That was probably the lowest point in my life emotionally and mental health wise. Finding out just how bad things become after being triggered is terrifying. Mental health is terrifying.